It is almost 2:30 AM as I type this, everyone I can call or talk to are asleep… except for you guys.
Ever since kindergarten I knew I was gay, our teacher had us look at a magazine full of different job carriers, I opened the magazine and couldn’t take my eyes off the professional swimmer in the speedo. It was only a cartoon, but I didn’t take my eyes off it. Other kids were looking at the female, but not me. Nothing about her body anatomy seemed interesting to me.
I’ve had a mean dad, he is young so I suppose he really didn’t know how to be a good dad. My mom was always overprotective, she used to dress me like a girl when I was a baby. Once or twice, I could sure wear the sh*t out of those baby dressess though.
I’ve had a few heartbreaks from guys, and actually a few denies from girls. One, I just liked her because she was so colorful and always matching, I thought if I was by her side I’d myself be matching even more. The other one,somehow reminded me of my mom who is like my best friend, I didn’t look at the girl in a sexual way but I did ask both to be my gf’s. I had roses and all, but they said no.. I’m glad they didn’t I was a mess back then with my sexuality and I think it is only becoming more confusing. One of my ex boy friends, I kind of became too attached to him I only loved him as in kisses and hugs. Which makes me think, all I am looking in a guy could be the love my dad couldn’t give me…. I don’t know it is all so confusing.
when I see gay movie scenes, the instant I see the guys hugging I start getting an erection. When I see a guy and a girl, I don’t feel anything at all. When I was in the locker room and this one guy pulled my neighbor’s boxers off just so I could see his buttcheeks because they knew I was gay, I didn’t feel anything at all. Maybe because I had most of the guys looking at me, I dont know or maybe I just didn’t like that guy.
When alone and being intimate, I think about guys and do get erections. I’ve had dreams about guys, and I enjoyed them. Recently though while looking at some xxx pictures, which I know I shouldn’t have or any other xxx material… I get a somewhat, semi erection with heterosexual sex. I don’t know if it is because of the guy that is present or the girl, but before I wouldn’t even dare click on heterosexual pictures.
Lets see, my family was always telling me they didn’t want a gay son and always told me how bad my life would be if i was gay. They said I would only get hurt, I’m not sure if that was just their homophobic sides speaking to me. or if they really meant that.
I’ve read enough books and articles that explain that some gay people become gay through birth, others become gay because of things that happen to them. My mom would read me bible phrases, the usual ones that damn us for being abominations. Also I read that guys become gay when they don’t have a dad or a father figure or their moms protect them too much. I had both. But maybe it is a coincidence. I don’t know. D:
I am not even sure If I get a small erection because I am scared of all the cons about being gay, (what the society has led me to believe, and stds) and my mind is forcing me to like what society will accept with open arms. Or if it is because how my parents were. OR if I am really gay and I only get aroused because there is actually a guy present in the picture.
Your opinions are greatly appreciated.
Why bother posting then, please I need your opinions. D:
I am 16, and if my question violates the guide lines in any way please allow it to be up there long enough for people to post their thoughts.
I am the older of two sons. From a conservative family.
I’m just scared that I am meant to be straight, and that is why none of my relationships work.
That, or maybe I’ve just had bad luck.
Yes I calissified myself as gay, but there so much more other factors at play here than just my opinion.
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